A Loss of Innocence
on this, the twenty-ninth day of april two thousand and six, i can no longer claim that i have never attended a bikini carwash.
it was a pleasant day. a day that started out like so many days before it... the phone rang a few times, the dog made me get up to let her outside, i drank some iced tea, turned on the radio and went back to sleep. i wasnt feeling all that great, and i knew i'd need my strength for the afternoon's hockey game. playoffs, round one, game five... i needed to bring my 'A' game.
my dad came over right before the hockey game started (the oilers beat detroit, 3-2) and helped himself to one of our beers. the old man, like any father might, assumed that his single, 30-year old son, was a veteran of many, many bikini car washes. there was really no point in tarnishing his opinion of me regarding this matter, so i went along with it. he then went on to proclaim that he had noticed a bikini carwash on his way over to the house, and that this particular bikini car wash was staffed with some particularly attractive young ladies. its worth pointing out that all guys placed in this situation will initially act like theyre going to rush over to the bikini carwash, but in reality, statistics have shown that less than 2% of guys will actually follow through with it. as the conversation moved back to hockey, it looked as if we might once again fall into the all-too-predicatbale 98% who do not attend the bikini carwash.
my dad left before the second period of the hockey game started but he had accomplished what he came here to do. long before the second period was over, jaswal and me had realized what we had to do. it was an unspoken knowledge that there business we needed to attend to... on this day, things would be different... on this day, we would draw a line in the sand... and on this day, we would go to the bikini carwash... my 65-year old father had essentially thrown down the proverbial gauntlet, and we were not the type of men to allow gauntlets to be thrown down without doing something about it.
in commenting on the car wash, he had stated his challenge, essentially claiming that he was more of a man than us for even noticing the car wash. and with the coy subtelty of an old grey fox, he had cleverly implied that we were not fit to call ourselves men if we allowed this opportunity pass us by. when he went so far as to provide us the directions, he had left us no alternatives... in poker terminolgy, we had no outs.
and besides all that, it was a good excuse to go and buy some more beer. we were getting low.
having seen both "bikini carwash 1 and 2" i had some pretty high expectations for our upcoming adventure. i cant remember if the bikini carwash movies were based on true stories, but i was pretty sure that they represented what happend there pretty accurately. and so, there was certainly a nervous air of anticipation as we pulled down the driveway and started down the street towards the carwash. at one point, jay even offerered up the option of just picking up the beer and skipping the carwash, but if this was going to be anything like the bikini carwash in the movies, it was going to be the best day of my life, and i sure wasnt going to let a few nerves scare me away from all that. The oilers were winning, i slept till noon, and now, i was about to let scantily clad women, who would undoubtedly want to have sex with me, clean my car while flirting with me and spraying soapy water at each other... life really doesnt get much better than that.
i was starting to wish that i would have made it to the gym a couple times over the past week. this was gonna be a big day.
we sat at the entrance to the carwash for a good minute, waiting for our anxiousness to pass, and silently considering the many wonderful thigs that were about to happen to us. finally, i nodded at jaswal with a sheepish grin and pulled into the inpromtpu wash bay.
the first sign that this might not be the beautiful and life altering experience i was hoping for was the absence of anything resembling a smile on the faces of our vehicle sanitation engineers-to-be. we pulled up, rolled down the windows, and endured an awkard moment of silence before we were informed that we now owed the young ladies twenty five dollars. now, while twenty-five dollars might seem like a lot for a carwash, i dont feel in any way that this is too much money to pay for a bikini carwash... and thus, i quickly ponied over the dough. the ladies didnt take credit cards, so jaswal said he'd cover the beer. i was fine with that.
i'm not gonna lie to you, i disregarded the lack of smiles and witty firltacious conversation and was still a little giddy at first... while my old man's claims were a little lofty, the girls were quite attractive, and while something felt a tad sleezy about girls in bikinis washing my car in the parking lot of a crappy neighborhood pub, the car was pretty dirty, so if questioned, i could always claim i was only there for the carwash, and that the "chrome girls" had a widely acknowledged reputation for their car washing abilities and prowess.
my expectations and excitement started to fade just a little bit more as the complete lack of waterfighting and playful carwashing hijinx hit me like a brick wall... where were the water fights, and sexy slow motion hair tosses? where were the fake breasts pressed against the windows of my car? where were the dripping wet girls flirting with me and asking me to have sex with them and their two friends in the back seat? and where the hell was the cheezy 80's metal music, setting the mood for this whole scene? i'm willing to take some responsibility for the lack of 80's metal playing in the background, but i can only blame the "chrome girls" for all the other shortcomings. i was starting to think that maybe the bikini carwash movies had misrepresented the bikini carwash. unlike the movies, these girls seemed pretty serious about washing the vehicle, quickly none the less, and did not look so much like they were having the time of their lives. i tried one last time to experience the carwash i remebered from the movies, but as i looked longingly at one of the girls, waiting for her to do something sexy or motion me into the washroom of the pub, she caught me looking at her, we made eye contact, and she frowned at me... i'm not entirely sure what the emotion that came over me at that point in time was... it could have been shame, or embarrassment... i dont know, but it sure as hell wasnt unbridled joy.
i had yet to count one sexy hair toss, or even half a breast pressed against my windshield, and now i was being frowned at. something inside of me began to feel very empty.
there would be no soaking wet, sexy hair tossing, water fighting girls, or flirtacious prancing around my car to the sounds of poison's "unskinny bop". I'll admit, the bikini carwash might have been a lot more fun if i would have put more effort into striking up some conversation... as with almost all things in life, a few extra beers might have really helped things along... but the bikini carwash was not supposed to be like a relationship. i didnt want to have to put an effort in to make it work. i wanted the bikini carwash to give, without any effort on my part. i did not want to drive away feeling like i let the bikini car wash down, or that i was not good enough for the bikini carwash.
i am sure that all of the "chrome girls" are lovely young ladies, and im sure i would have to consider myself quite lucky to get a date with any one of them... but i will never forgive them for ruining the bikini carwash of my boyhood dreams.
we drove away from the carwash knowing that we were no longer the innocent and naive young men we had been when we left the house that day. we might still load up the bar fridge with beer, slap on some speedos, and wave at cars from the garage balcony, but we had lost something we could never get back, something that would forever effect every action and event in our lives from this day forth. there are things in life you dont forget, lessons you cant unlearn, memories you cant chase from the back of your mind, no matter how hard you might try. i dont consider myself a better or worse person for experiencing what i experienced today, but i will wake up every morning for the rest of my life, with one less strand of hope, with one less dream, and because of that, my heart will feel just a little bit heavier.
it was a pleasant day. a day that started out like so many days before it... the phone rang a few times, the dog made me get up to let her outside, i drank some iced tea, turned on the radio and went back to sleep. i wasnt feeling all that great, and i knew i'd need my strength for the afternoon's hockey game. playoffs, round one, game five... i needed to bring my 'A' game.
my dad came over right before the hockey game started (the oilers beat detroit, 3-2) and helped himself to one of our beers. the old man, like any father might, assumed that his single, 30-year old son, was a veteran of many, many bikini car washes. there was really no point in tarnishing his opinion of me regarding this matter, so i went along with it. he then went on to proclaim that he had noticed a bikini carwash on his way over to the house, and that this particular bikini car wash was staffed with some particularly attractive young ladies. its worth pointing out that all guys placed in this situation will initially act like theyre going to rush over to the bikini carwash, but in reality, statistics have shown that less than 2% of guys will actually follow through with it. as the conversation moved back to hockey, it looked as if we might once again fall into the all-too-predicatbale 98% who do not attend the bikini carwash.
my dad left before the second period of the hockey game started but he had accomplished what he came here to do. long before the second period was over, jaswal and me had realized what we had to do. it was an unspoken knowledge that there business we needed to attend to... on this day, things would be different... on this day, we would draw a line in the sand... and on this day, we would go to the bikini carwash... my 65-year old father had essentially thrown down the proverbial gauntlet, and we were not the type of men to allow gauntlets to be thrown down without doing something about it.
in commenting on the car wash, he had stated his challenge, essentially claiming that he was more of a man than us for even noticing the car wash. and with the coy subtelty of an old grey fox, he had cleverly implied that we were not fit to call ourselves men if we allowed this opportunity pass us by. when he went so far as to provide us the directions, he had left us no alternatives... in poker terminolgy, we had no outs.
and besides all that, it was a good excuse to go and buy some more beer. we were getting low.
having seen both "bikini carwash 1 and 2" i had some pretty high expectations for our upcoming adventure. i cant remember if the bikini carwash movies were based on true stories, but i was pretty sure that they represented what happend there pretty accurately. and so, there was certainly a nervous air of anticipation as we pulled down the driveway and started down the street towards the carwash. at one point, jay even offerered up the option of just picking up the beer and skipping the carwash, but if this was going to be anything like the bikini carwash in the movies, it was going to be the best day of my life, and i sure wasnt going to let a few nerves scare me away from all that. The oilers were winning, i slept till noon, and now, i was about to let scantily clad women, who would undoubtedly want to have sex with me, clean my car while flirting with me and spraying soapy water at each other... life really doesnt get much better than that.
i was starting to wish that i would have made it to the gym a couple times over the past week. this was gonna be a big day.
we sat at the entrance to the carwash for a good minute, waiting for our anxiousness to pass, and silently considering the many wonderful thigs that were about to happen to us. finally, i nodded at jaswal with a sheepish grin and pulled into the inpromtpu wash bay.
the first sign that this might not be the beautiful and life altering experience i was hoping for was the absence of anything resembling a smile on the faces of our vehicle sanitation engineers-to-be. we pulled up, rolled down the windows, and endured an awkard moment of silence before we were informed that we now owed the young ladies twenty five dollars. now, while twenty-five dollars might seem like a lot for a carwash, i dont feel in any way that this is too much money to pay for a bikini carwash... and thus, i quickly ponied over the dough. the ladies didnt take credit cards, so jaswal said he'd cover the beer. i was fine with that.
i'm not gonna lie to you, i disregarded the lack of smiles and witty firltacious conversation and was still a little giddy at first... while my old man's claims were a little lofty, the girls were quite attractive, and while something felt a tad sleezy about girls in bikinis washing my car in the parking lot of a crappy neighborhood pub, the car was pretty dirty, so if questioned, i could always claim i was only there for the carwash, and that the "chrome girls" had a widely acknowledged reputation for their car washing abilities and prowess.
my expectations and excitement started to fade just a little bit more as the complete lack of waterfighting and playful carwashing hijinx hit me like a brick wall... where were the water fights, and sexy slow motion hair tosses? where were the fake breasts pressed against the windows of my car? where were the dripping wet girls flirting with me and asking me to have sex with them and their two friends in the back seat? and where the hell was the cheezy 80's metal music, setting the mood for this whole scene? i'm willing to take some responsibility for the lack of 80's metal playing in the background, but i can only blame the "chrome girls" for all the other shortcomings. i was starting to think that maybe the bikini carwash movies had misrepresented the bikini carwash. unlike the movies, these girls seemed pretty serious about washing the vehicle, quickly none the less, and did not look so much like they were having the time of their lives. i tried one last time to experience the carwash i remebered from the movies, but as i looked longingly at one of the girls, waiting for her to do something sexy or motion me into the washroom of the pub, she caught me looking at her, we made eye contact, and she frowned at me... i'm not entirely sure what the emotion that came over me at that point in time was... it could have been shame, or embarrassment... i dont know, but it sure as hell wasnt unbridled joy.
i had yet to count one sexy hair toss, or even half a breast pressed against my windshield, and now i was being frowned at. something inside of me began to feel very empty.
there would be no soaking wet, sexy hair tossing, water fighting girls, or flirtacious prancing around my car to the sounds of poison's "unskinny bop". I'll admit, the bikini carwash might have been a lot more fun if i would have put more effort into striking up some conversation... as with almost all things in life, a few extra beers might have really helped things along... but the bikini carwash was not supposed to be like a relationship. i didnt want to have to put an effort in to make it work. i wanted the bikini carwash to give, without any effort on my part. i did not want to drive away feeling like i let the bikini car wash down, or that i was not good enough for the bikini carwash.
i am sure that all of the "chrome girls" are lovely young ladies, and im sure i would have to consider myself quite lucky to get a date with any one of them... but i will never forgive them for ruining the bikini carwash of my boyhood dreams.
we drove away from the carwash knowing that we were no longer the innocent and naive young men we had been when we left the house that day. we might still load up the bar fridge with beer, slap on some speedos, and wave at cars from the garage balcony, but we had lost something we could never get back, something that would forever effect every action and event in our lives from this day forth. there are things in life you dont forget, lessons you cant unlearn, memories you cant chase from the back of your mind, no matter how hard you might try. i dont consider myself a better or worse person for experiencing what i experienced today, but i will wake up every morning for the rest of my life, with one less strand of hope, with one less dream, and because of that, my heart will feel just a little bit heavier.
Having spent some time as a "pool boy" I feel your loss. Great piece of writing. I laughed, I cried, I'm going to read it again and again.
Posted by
Doc Thirst |
Tue May 02, 10:51:00 AM PDT
So f'in typical. One entry then nothing, you can't string a brother along like that.
Posted by
Anonymous |
Thu May 04, 07:46:00 AM PDT
Bikini carwashes in Canada? Where is Canada anyway. I asked a highschool student and they told me it was near Iraq.
Posted by
Fred |
Thu May 04, 10:54:00 AM PDT